


Oh, I Hoped for Your Name On the Ouija Board (And Your Naked Magic, Oh Dear Lord)

by sartiebodyshots



Series: Only Wanted Fun then You Got Me All Fucked Up (On Love) [1]
Category: Falling Skies
Genre: M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:14:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4484249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sartiebodyshots/pseuds/sartiebodyshots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hal is young and single and horny, so he decides to hit on Shaq (because who better for no strings attached sex than a grumpy alien?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, I Hoped for Your Name On the Ouija Board (And Your Naked Magic, Oh Dear Lord)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the slightest bit ashamed because have you read the descriptions for most of the E rated stuff in this fandom??????

There’s something very appealing about Shaq.  Hal can’t quite put his finger on it.  Maybe it’s that he’s so freaking huge, or that he doesn’t get sarcasm so hard that Hal thinks he has to be faking.  He’s amusing to be around, even if he’s also a pain in the ass.

Hal’s single and, while he’s not particularly ready to get back into another relationship, he is horny.  He is horny and he wants sex. 

Sex with an alien sounds pretty cool, right?  Or at least interesting. 

“So, what do Volm do for fun?” Hal asks, leaning against the wall mad casually one evening. 

“Volm do not have fun,” Shaq says. 

“Aw, come on, not even a little?  I bet we could have some fun,” Hal asks, putting on his best flirtatious look.  It’s gotten him plenty of free stuff in the past. 

“I do not believe so.  As I said, Volm do not have fun,” Shaq says, snorting in his face and turning away.

Hal checks out his ass as he strolls away.  He’s pretty sure that Shaq didn’t even realize that he was hitting on him, so he’s not gonna take this as a rejection.  Just a reminder that he shouldn’t try subtlety with the Volm, especially not Shaq.

His next move is to find Shaq alone.  It’s not hard, considering how often the Volm are on patrol. 

“Hey there,” Hal says, grinning up at Shaq winningly. 

Shaq just grunts.  But he does look at him.  That’s a bonus.

“So, I’m pretty sure that you didn’t get what I meant last time we talked,” Hal says, reaching over to gently squeeze Shaq’s arm.

Shaq’s eyes widen in surprise at his touch.  “You wished to discuss fun.  I informed you that my people do not engage in such frivolities.  There is little room for misinterpretation.”

“That’s not really what I meant,” Hal says.  “What I meant was-“

“Now is an inappropriate time to discuss your linguistic failings,” Shaq interrupts.  “I am on patrol, and it would not do to place ourselves at risk because you do not communicate effectively.”

“How about we get something to eat then?” Hal asks.  “I can show off my linguistic skills.”

Shaq doesn’t actually have a nose, but it still feels like he’s looking down his nose at Hal.  “Considering your inability to pronounce my name- or Chichauk’s name- it is unlikely that I will find your linguistic skills impressive.”

Hal laughs a little, nodding in agreement.  “Okay, okay, point taken.  I assure you, I have many skills.”

“Perhaps you should put whatever skills you may possess to use.  Elsewhere,” Shaq says.  “As I remain on patrol.”

“I’ll see you later, then,” Hal says, nodding in a very cool fashion before turning to go.

 It won’t do to seduce Shaq somewhere where Shaq won’t be willing to do it with him.

Luckily, Dad is dating the commander of the Volm forces on Earth (or whatever Cochise’s title is), so it’s not that difficult to find out where Shaq sleeps.  Or regenerates, since Volm absolutely refuse to admit to sleeping.

Hal sneaks into Shaq’s room, surveying the space.  It’s unsurprisingly sparse.  No personal effects, no decorations, nothing. Just a very uncomfortable looking bed.

He decides that going full naked is a bad idea because if Shaq decides to kick him out, he doesn’t want to show off his fine ass to the whole Volm force on Earth.  But a little nudity probably won’t hurt, so he pulls his shirt off and sets his shoes to the side before stretching out on the bed. 

It is hours before Shaq comes back to his quarters and Hal thinks that maybe he should have gotten information about Shaq’s schedule, too.  He almost falls asleep waiting for Shaq, but then the door slides open.

“I believe you are in the incorrect place,” Shaq says, closing the door behind him. 

“Nah, I’m right where I wanna be,” Hal says, grinning up at him.  “Gotta discuss my linguistic shortcomings together, remember?”

“That desire was genuine?” Shaq asks.

“Oh yeah,” Hal says, patting the space on the bed next to him.

Shaq glares at him and sits down.  “I do not care about your linguistic ineptitude.”

“I think you might,” Hal says.  He rubs Shaq’s back.  “Because I’ve got some great ideas.”

“I find that difficult to believe,” Shaq says, looking down at him.  If he had eyebrows, Hal is pretty sure that that Shaq would be arching them at him. 

Hal takes a deep breath and decides that he has to be as straight forward as possible.  “We should have sex.” 

“I believe you are failing linguistics again,” Shaq says. 

“I’m not,” Hal says.  “You, me, naked and having sex.”

“It is taboo for Volm to engage in sexual intercourse with aliens,” Shaq says.  “I do not even know if it is possible for such a coupling to occur.”

“Oh, it can,” Hal says.  “Cochise has been dating my dad for ages, and while I don’t know all the details, I do know that they’re doing it.  Loudly and often.” 

“Doing what?” Shaq asks.

“Sex,” Hal says, aggressively trying not to think about Dad and Cochise doing it. 

“Ah, so it is possible,” Shaq says.

“It is,” Hal says, “and it’d be a lot of fun.”

Shaq grunts.  “It has been some time since I engaged in intercourse.”

“So, let’s do it,” Hal says.

“I have noticed that humans form irritating relationships based on who they engage in intercourse with,” Shaq says.  “That is not what I desire.”

“Me neither,” Hal says.  “I just wanna have some fun.”

“Okay,” Shaq says, standing up and pulling his clothes off with an incredible amount of speed.  “We can engage in intercourse.”

Suddenly, Hal is laying in front of a fully naked Shaq.  His naked body isn’t what Hal had expected.  He had been expecting that Shaq would look mostly human- like a very muscular human.

But he doesn’t have nearly as much muscle as Hal would have expected.  He’s very compact, even if he is so huge.  It’s like he’s built to be as efficient as possible.  The whirls and ridges continue down his whole body, and Hal really wants to run his fingers (or tongue?) over all of them. 

Hal’s not going to lie, he expected that Shaq would have a huge dick (it would suit what a huge dick he is), so he’s definitely surprised to find out he doesn’t have a dick at all. 

“You need to remove your clothing for this to be effective,” Shaq says. 

“Do Volm not do foreplay?” Hal asks, not surprised.

“Foreplay?” Shaq asks.

“It’s easier to show you than tell you,” Hal says.  He grabs Shaq’s hand and tugs, but the giant Volm doesn’t move.  “Come on, lay down.”

Shaq lays next to him, and Hal climbs on top of him immediately. 

“You’ve gotta turn your partner on, make it feel good,” Hal says.  He had never expected he’d be giving sex lessons to an alien.  “Touch me.”

“We engage in sex primarily for procreative purposes.  Pleasure is not necessary,” Shaq says.  Nevertheless, he reaches up and grabs Hal’s arm.

Hal winces because god, Volm are strong.  “Be gentle!” he says and Shaq immediately loosens his grip.  “And since we’re obviously not making a baby, a little pleasure is pretty much the point of this.”

“Does this feel better?” Shaq asks. 

“Yeah,” Hal assures him.  “And if I hurt you or do something that doesn’t feel good, you tell me, okay?”

“You are too weak to injure me,” Shaq says.

Hal is tempted to derail their sex by punching him in the face to show Shaq that he can, in fact, injure him.  Maybe next time. 

“Humor me,” Hal says dryly. 

“I do not have a sense of humor,” Shaq says.

“No way,” Hal says sarcastically.

“I am not deceiving you,” Shaq says. 

“I’m going to teach you about kissing now,” Hal says.  “Because you need to learn how to do something with your mouth other than talking.” 

Shaq opens his mouth, so Hal goes in for a messy openmouthed kiss.  It’s kind of not great- Shaq’s never kissed anyone and it shows.  That he doesn’t really have lips probably doesn’t help.  And he uses way too much tongue. 

But it’s also pretty great because Shaq’s tongue is kind of rough, texture wise.  Plus, there’s no awkward nose bumping when the alien you’re making out with doesn’t have a nose.  And he’s _making out with an alien_.  He can get used to the too much tongue thing since Shaq seems to be enjoying it.

“And that is kissing?” Shaq asks when they pull apart.

“Yeah,” Hal says.  “Nice, isn’t it?”

“You may kiss me again,” Shaq says, letting go of his arm. 

Hal snorts and kisses him again.  He uses one hand to stroke Shaq’s face and the other to run his fingers down his chest.

Shaq seems to take his lead, pressing his hands against Hal’s back.  His hands slide down Hal’s body.  They slide around to cup his sides, and it seems like Shaq is fascinated by his ribs as fingers press roughly at the space between each rib.

Hal grinds down on Shaq, and he’s really regretting not taking his clothes off when he had the chance.  Foreplay is great, but he’s also a horny eighteen year old. 

He tries to take off his pants while continuing to kiss Shaq, but his mouth slides away and he accidentally slobbers all over Shaq’s chin. 

“Sorry,” Hal apologizes as he gets off Shaq so he can shimmy his pants off.

“Are you leaving?” Shaq asks.  “Have you reached orgasm already?”

“No!” Hal says, kind of offended.  He is young and manly and would not get off so quickly.  “I’m just taking my pants off.  It’s easier to have sex that way.”

He’s not usually self conscious of his body- he knows he’s an attractive man- but he has no idea what Shaq would find attractive.  So Hal is standing in front of Shaq feeling kind of vulnerable.  That Shaq is staring right at his dick isn't helping.

“You keep your genitalia outside of your body?” Shaq asks.

“Uh, yeah?” Hal says. “Well, some of us.”

Shaq just grunts and pulls Hal back on top of him.  “That is not an efficient design.”

“So do you have, like a hidden dick or something?” Hal asks.

“If you stimulate me in a certain way, my genitalia will externalize,” Shaq explains.  “However, as your genitalia is carelessly located outside your body already, I do not believe that you should stimulate me in such a way.”

Hal laughs. “Okay, really important rule.  You can't insult my dick.  No calling it careless either.”  He's not sure whether or not careless is actually an insult, but his dick does feel insulted.

Shaq reaches down and strokes his dick, making Hal squirm and groan. “Even your genitalia has feelings.  Your people are strange and sensitive.” 

“Let's go back to kissing,” Hal says.

“Agreed,” Shaq says, sitting up to kiss him. 

This time, one of Shaq’s hands is on the back of his head, pushing him closer.  It almost feels like his lips are about to bruise, but in a good way. 

He pushes against Shaq, feeling like he has to be closer to him, and he gets plenty of help as Shaq’s other hand presses at the base of his spine.  When he’s pressed up against Shaq’s body like this, he can feel all the ridges and bumps of Shaq’s body.  He wonders if they’ll leave imprints in his own skin.

Hal has started to moan in pleasure, rutting against Shaq in a way that would be embarrassing if he wasn’t feeling so good.  He can feel himself getting harder and harder, and he needs to be inside Shaq as soon as he can.

For his part, Shaq seems almost unaffected, except for how desperately he’s pulling Hal close to him.  He’s also shaking in a way that’s only noticeable because of how very close Hal is to him. 

“Are you having fun?” Hal asks, gasping for breath as they pull apart.

“Volm do not have fun,” Shaq says, and Hal is pleased at the slight breathiness he hears. 

“Do you feel good?” Hal asks.

“Yes,” Shaq says.  “But you should penetrate me soon.”

“Is that what you want?” Hal double checks. 

“Yes,” Shaq says.  His hand slides away from Hal’s back to stroke his dick gently.  “Is that not how humans do it?”

“Oh, it’s how humans do it,” Hal says.  “I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling good.”

“You are stimulating my pleasure centers, and you would further stimulate them by penetrating my pouch,” Shaq says.

“Okay, good,” Hal says. 

He slides into Shaq’s pouch easily, and they both shudder.  It’s moist inside Shaq’s pouch, so it's easy to start thrusting.  The moistness also means that it’s impossible for Hal to get any friction, which is maddening.

Shaq’s hands have slid to rest on his hips, no longer pushing him close. 

Hal tilts his head so his throat is exposed.  “Kiss my neck.”  He figures if he doesn’t tell Shaq what he wants, he’ll never get it.

Shaq slides his tongue along Hal’s pulse, rough and wet.  It feels so good combined with the slickness around his dick that Hal starts moaning louder than before.  That seems to spur Shaq on, and suddenly Shaq’s liberal tongue-age feels so good.

They’ve got a nice rhythm going- one that’s never going to get Hal off, but that he’s certainly enjoying- when something rough wraps around Hal’s dick.  Hal stops suddenly, accidentally smashing his face into Shaq’s in the process.

“Continue,” Shaq says steadily.

“There’s something eating my dick,” Hal hisses, trying to pull out and failing.  Whatever has him is rough and suction-y and not inclined to let him pull all the way out. 

“It is my ‘dick,’” Shaq says.  “It is attempting to procreate with you.  I did not realize you would not expect this.”

“Oh,” Hal says, taking a breath. 

“Do you wish to stop?” Shaq asks.  “I will attempt to retract my dick, but it will prevent me from reaching orgasm, so I do not want to unless you require me to.”

“Just give me a minute,” Hal says. 

Shaq grunts. 

Hal runs a hand from Shaq’s shoulder slowly down his chest, trying his best to steady himself.  This is… weird, but there’s no point in having sex with an alien if you don’t want a little weird.

His fingers brush over a patch of Shaq’s skin that’s smoother, with some bumps instead of ridges.  It’s just over the opening to his pouch and Hal goes back to rub it properly because it feels different.

Shaq’s hands tighten at his waist and Hal looks up to see an almost ecstatic look on Shaq’s face.  It’s kind of scary; Shaq doesn’t seem prone to ecstasy. 

“You alright?” Hal asks, stroking his cheek.

“No one has ever stimulated that erogenous zone while penetrating me,” Shaq says and now his voice is definitely breathless. 

“And that feels good?” Hal asks.

“Yes,” Shaq says.

“I’m gonna get going again, okay?” Hal says.

Shaq groans and nods, so Hal takes that as encouragement. 

He strokes over the bumps again, slowly starting to rock his hips.  The inside of… whatever it is around his dick… is rougher than Shaq’s moist pouch.  The contrast is the best thing that Hal has ever felt, and it’s more than enough to chase away how weirded out he was by something eating his dick earlier.

Without Hal having to say anything, Shaq goes back to licking along Hal’s pulse.  It’s not long before Hal can feel a familiar tightening in his belly. 

His thrusts get more and more erratic, and he calls out Shaq’s name when he finally cums.  Hal leans against Shaq for support, his whole body feeling warm and loose.  He manages to keep his hand stroking over Shaq’s bumps.

Shaq’s hands are curiously gently as they stroke his bare back.

“That was good,” Hal murmurs in Shaq’s ear.  “I promise I’ll get you off, just give me a minute.”

“I am in the process of orgasming,” Shaq replies.

“You are?” Hal asks, managing to lift his head and move it so his forehead is resting against Shaq’s.

“A Volm whose genitalia is not externalized reaches orgasm by absorbing the DNA of their partner.  I am in the process of doing so,” Shaq says.

“You are?” Hal asks.  Maybe he should have asked about space condoms.

“Give me a moment,” Shaq requests in a strained voice. 

Hal nods, fingers still stroking.

Shaq groans and pulls him close.  He seems to spasm before letting him go.

Hal pulls out, flopping on the bed next to him.  He grins up at the Volm next to him.  “That was really good.”

Shaq gets up and begins putting on his shirt.

“Hey!” Hal says, grabbing him and pulling him back towards the bed.  “No leaving yet.”

Shaq pauses and allows himself to be pulled back to bed.  “We have both achieved orgasm.”

“There’s no need to rush off,” Hal says.  “Lay back down.”

“This seems pointless,” Shaq says, laying down.  “We have both achieved orgasm.”

“Come on, it’s nice,” Hal says, snuggling next to him. 

“That is not the purpose of sexual intercourse,” Shaq says.

“Too bad,” Hal says.  “I like this part, too.” 

Of course, usually he’s snuggling up with someone he knows and loves, but there’s still something nice about being here with Shaq.

“Are you going to wish to partake in sexual intercourse again?” Shaq asks.  “With me, specifically, not in general.”

Hal looks up at him with a little smile on his face.  “If you want, I’d like to.  Like I said, that felt really good.”

“You were also adequate,” Shaq says.

“Hey!  You said no one had ever did that thing that made you feel so good!  That’s more than adequate,” Hal protests.

“Without the possibility of procreation, our intercourse can only be adequate,” Shaq says.

“Ah,” Hal says, settling back down.  “I probably should have asked about that before we had sex.”

“About what?” Shaq asks.

“Safe sex.  Sexually transmitted diseases,” Hal says.

“Volm do not have diseases,” Shaq says.  “My body will be capable of eliminating any diseases you may have transferred to me.”

“I’m not diseased, Shaq.” Hal says, rolling his eyes.  “And I won’t, like, get you pregnant?”

“That is a foolish worry,” Shaq says.

Hal traces along the ridges on his chest.  “Good.  You seem alright, but I don’t want to raise a kid with you.”

Shaq’s hands hesitantly rest on his back, stroking his spine gently.  “Do not say such compliments.  You and your silly human emotions may become attached.”

“You think ‘you seem alright’ is some kind of huge compliment that means I love you?” Hal says.

“It is possible,” Shaq says.  “No other human has complimented me so highly.”

“Yeah, that’s not really that big of a compliment, Shaq.  It’s just that most people don’t like you at all,” Hal says. 

“I do not care what aliens think,” Shaq says.

“That’s why this is perfect.  No way you’ll get seduced by my good looks and charm,” Hal says.

“I do not believe you look particularly good; your body is small and frail,” Shaq says.

Hal stretches and yawns, more amused than anything else.  “You just gave me a great orgasm, so I’m not even going to start a fight with you.”

“Is this the best way to subdue humans?  Giving them orgasms?” Shaq asks.  “Your people are often angry and Chichauk has instructed that we are to remain calm.”

Hal pats his chest.  “No giving other humans orgasms.  Just me.”  Mostly because he’s not sure that Shaq could hit on a human without that ending in violence, particularly not an angry human.

Shaq grunts.  “That is a sensible arrangement.”

“I’m about to fall asleep now, I think,” Hal says.

“I should leave,” Shaq says.

“Nope,” Hal says, snuggling closer.  “We’re still not done, and on the bright side, when I wake up I’ll probably be ready to give you another orgasm.”

Shaq grunts in clear annoyance, but wraps his arms around Hal anyway.  “I will remain.  For the future orgasm.”

“Of course, of course,” Hal says, yawning again before falling asleep.

When he wakes up, curled in Shaq’s arms, he realizes that this is actually a pretty nice way to wake up.  Shaq is warm and surprisingly comfy.  This is going to be a good arrangement.


End file.
